Calling all Storytellers, creative minded people

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flying_squirl said:
just had a quick idea on how to avoid having the chief talk

when he arrives he puts his index finger up to the 'mouth' of his helmet in the 'shhhh' motion, then indicates that there's someone/something, very close by (probably good to have a shadow or two move by at this time). he distributes the ammo and, using hand signals, explains what the plan of action is.

a nice touch to do here would be having no dialogue what so ever but have the ambient noise grow unnoticed over the length of the shot, then when they go over the top and it fades to white have the sound fade out as well, it give the impression of a silence after silence, IE a dead silence. its a simple idea but it can be used to quite effect

EDIT:$h and if this is for film you definatly have to have them charging twards and past the camera as it fades to white. i know its a cleche but common, the whole thing could be concidered a cleche :p

Can't have them charging towards the camera. The camera is the "audience" and the "audience" needs to feel like they're part of this marine team. So, they should be in the back, behind the group as if they're running too.
 
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Adam said:
Can't have them charging towards the camera. The camera is the "audience" and the "audience" needs to feel like they're part of this marine team. So, they should be in the back, behind the group as if they're running too.

How about reversing what flying_squirrl said...but no swords lol

But seriously, have a camera shot behind the marines that moves virtically, showing them climb over the wall, and just a split second of the enemy forces ahead of them, just like the teaser trailer for halo 3, right when you see MC jump over the ledge head on into the brutes
 
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Here's a little preview of what I'm working on:
Note: I thought it would make it more interesting to have them be new enlistees taken early from basic because of a shortage of Marines. This provides them the ability to grow and age before our eyes as their story progresses. In addition I didn't see the need for an actual trained sniper because they don't work in a squad anyways. They work in pairs and didn't deem is essential to the story line.

ACT I


INT. PELICAN​

The Pelican glides through the battle-ridden red sky dodging enemy artillery fire from below. The sergeant (Sgt. Kilman) is standing behind the pilot looking ahead to the view of the oncoming drop zone. The first marine (Pvt. Nelson) is kneeling down to Kilman’s right leg attempting to catch a view ahead as well. The second marine (Pvt. Baumgartner) is sitting down, clearing his clip and reseating it into his AR, ensuring he is ready for the battle. The third marine (Pvt. Rodgers) (female) lifts off her helmet and pulls a photo out and looks at it, appearing to calm her tense body even if for just a moment as an explosion near the flight path of the pelican jolts her back to reality.

A Marine falls over on the bench, and responds to the jolt, stands up to regain his composure before sitting down again to continue checking over his AR

PVT. BAUMGARTNER

Jesus, you’d think they’d let us land before they blow us into a million pieces!

The second Marine, who is sitting across from him, Pvt. Rodgers takes one last look at the photo and slips it back into her helmet before placeing it back onto her head

Pvt. Nelson turns around and notices that Rodgers was looking at the photo

PVT. NELSON

Don’t worry Rodgers; you’ll see Mike again soon. I’m sure he’s piloting some mission no where near this battle.

Nelson walks over and sits next to Rodgers, the ship motioning around him causing him to constantly watch his balance

PVT. NELSON

And don’t listen to him either.

(Nelson points to Baumgartner)

PVT. NELSON

He’s just crusty because someone didn’t issue him a sniper rifle when we left station. If he keeps it up I’m going to use my med tape to seal his mouth shut.”

Rodgers scoots down so that Nelson can sit down, cracking a hint of a smile and laughingly shrugging off Baumgartner’s comments

PVT. RODGER

Oh I know. I’m not worried. I just wanted to see him one more time before we dropped down. I bet we’re back at home station in less than a week.

Baumgartner glances up at her comment and shakes his head negatively in response before looking back down at his rifle

PVT. NELSON

We’re just providing supporting cover fire so that our front line forces can fall back to a better position. Once we’ve completed our mission we’ll be assigned to another attachment to complete our special forces training.

Baumgartner glances up again

PVT. BAUMGARTNER

You mean you’ll be completing your special forces training. I’ll be going to elite sniper training. I work alone. There’s only one person I depend on and that’s me.

Kilman mentions something to the pilot inaudible and turns around to the 3 marines

SGT. KILMAN

That’s interesting Baumgartner. According to your basic training platoon commander you broke your ankle during the field training exercise and were screaming until a field medic arrived.

Rodgers smiles and knows this is her time to get a comment in

PVT. RODGERS

Awww come on sergeant, it was a long fall. What was it again? 15 feet Baumie?

Baumgartner clears his rifle one last time and slaps his clip back into place

PVT. BAUMGARTNER

(Raising his voice and standing up in defense)

It was 25 feet and it seemed a hell of a lot higher!

Nelson waves his hand signaling him to calm down in front of their new Sgt. Baumgartner lowers his voice and sits back down

PVT. BAUMGARTNER

Besides, it was the face of the rock that crumbled underneath me. There was no way for me to tell it wasn’t stable.

Nelson and Rodgers chuckling aloud

PVT. NELSON

We know BG. You scared the rock face into submission.

(Pvt. Nelson laughs in between continuing...)

PVT. NELSON

It’s a good thing I had completed my basic medical training course already.

Pauses

PVT. NELSON

We’re just glad you’re still with us. It wouldn’t be the same without you.

Baumgartner smiles back at them and begins to laugh with them

Kilman stands silent watching his new recruits laughing together knowing this might be the final time they all laugh together

SGT. KILMAN

Marines, I know you all are prepared for this. As you know we’ll be providing cover fire and then getting the hell out of there. Are you read------

Before he could finish the pilot signals the alarm informing the Marines they are closing in on the drop zone
 
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Narrator
It's a dark gloomy evening. The enemy foot steps can be heard all around the bunker. The glow of their eyes and their rifles are the only noticeable thing in the dark horizon. The man are trying to bandage their wounds and find unfired ammo round on the floor. The privates think the pelican will be coming any minute with reinforcements, but the Sargent believes that it's not coming. The men are scared, hungry, thirsty, and extremely tired. It looks like they have no hope of living!


Pvt. Rodgers on the south west corner, crawls to Pvt. Baumgartner.
Pvt. Rodgers: "Hey Baumgartner"in a whisper.
Pvt. Baumgartner:"What" whispers back.
Pvt. Rodgers:" When do you think the pelican is going to be here?" just barely getting his words to Baumgartner ears.
Pvt. Baumgartner: " Hopefully right now. But my guesses not until tomorrow."
Sgt. Kilman: "Can it marines, Your still on watch. Keep you eyes peeled, and not on each other."
Baumgartner & Rodgers: "Yes sir."
Pvt. Rodgers:" Looks like we got some movement over here sarge!"
Sgt. Kilman:" Somebody wake up Nelson(Hicks)"
Pvt. Baumgartner: Hey wake up Buddy. We got movement." wakes up Pvt. Nelson quietly.




Here is a trial version. :) Nice names Jaxjags. If you want me to wright anymore Adam, just ask!
 
i like it. one thing though. marines never say sarge. its always seargent, i know its the future and stuff, but no selfrespecting marine would ever not say a full title, there are one or two exceptions but if the rank is under gunnery sergeant (which we call gunny for short) its allways the full rank.

FS btw its Cliche`
 
tenacioust183 said:
i like it. one thing though. marines never say sarge. its always seargent, i know its the future and stuff, but no selfrespecting marine would ever not say a full title, there are one or two exceptions but if the rank is under gunnery sergeant (which we call gunny for short) its allways the full rank.

FS btw its Cliche`

Thanks for the correction. I was Air Force not Marines haha. Anyways I updated to correct for military accuracy.
 
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Try putting everything into a proper script format. The mess up there I can't even read.




Edit.... Nvm sorry about that, must have been because I was viewing the thread on my phone and it didn't format the text right. It looks good.
 
I'm not a great writer, but I'm a great critic. :D (Even when its perfect I'll notice something wrong with it.) So, I have a question for you guys to answer in the actual story line.

-Why is only a 4 man team being sent to support? Are they like, a special strike-force or something?
(Maybe you could actually start off with the group in a larger contingent being sent in, and then they get split off in the battle?)
 
like it. one thing though. marines never say sarge. its always seargent, i know its the future and stuff, but no selfrespecting marine would ever not say a full title, there are one or two exceptions but if the rank is under gunnery sergeant (which we call gunny for short) its allways the full rank.

FS btw its Cliche`

I Know. I am just use to using sarge, because of my movie I'm making so.

ShearMe said:
I'm not a great writer, but I'm a great critic. :D (Even when its perfect I'll notice something wrong with it.) So, I have a question for you guys to answer in the actual story line.

-Why is only a 4 man team being sent to support? Are they like, a special strike-force or something?
(Maybe you could actually start off with the group in a larger contingent being sent in, and then they get split off in the battle?)
Adam has limited resources. So he only asked for four marines. Read the first post!!!
 
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a four man team still fits a military mission special forces or not, like i said earlier a four man team is known as a fireteam. normally that consist of a fire team leader (in this case sgt kilman) who in modern day would have a 203 (a 40mm grenade launcher attachment for an m16 or m4) a basic rifleman, an automatic rifleman (usually a SAW), and an assitant automatic rifleman (carries extra ammo). those dont need be set in stone for this scenario, nor really apply all that much, but just to give some background. and again three pvts doesnt make the most sense, at least one private firstclass or something, but the story sounds good.
 
WarHead9705 said:
Adam has limited resources. So he only asked for four marines. Read the first post!!!

'Twas just a suggestion... don't need to go all hay-wire on me.
 
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Ok, I'm no writer but I've been involved with a few plays and understand what it takes to make a production like this. Here's something that I Just wrote up, please don't mind the spelling errors. I am horrible with coming up with names, so if anyone has a better suggestion for names of these characters please speak up. The set for this would be 'very' simple and easy to fine/construct. The whole scene is taken place in one location (obviously).

(The scene opens with four, one Sargent and three marines, sitting, facing the audince, in a line. The lights are low, a faint red glow is used to for effect and non-colored lights are used focused on the soldiers. They are center stage, stage left and right are both covered in darkness. They are flying into battle, in a Pelican, it's night, the only thing seen out of the window are flashes of light[from the battle])

Sargent, Steve Willson: This could *cough* be the last time we ever get to talk...(he looks over to the marines for a long moment, then looks toword the window.) I just want you all to know that whatever happens out there...(his voice trails off. He rests his face in his palms.)

Marine, Dave Trent: Stop.(he shifts his position to better see steve.) We're going to be fine....We'll all be fine.

Marine, Sean Worten: Damnit, Dave! We all know that there is no way 'any' of us are going to survive this! Stop trying to make yourself feel better and face the truth! (realizing how blunt he had been Sean turns his head to the window.)

Dave: Come on Sean, you know I was just trying to make us feel better! If you think death is the only choice we have left then that your problem, not mine! Keep your hopeless-ness to yourself!

Sean: You know, as well as I do, that there is no chance in hell that we're going live to see another day! Stop trying to cover the truth with your optimistic lies!

Dave: If you think our death is so imminent the why don't I help you! (Dave reaches for his gun but Sean already has his out.)

Marine, Kathorine Trent: Stop! (She stands up and begins crying) Can't you see that the only way we're going to get out of this alive is if we work as a team!?(She looks at both Dave and Sean.) You two should know better than to aim a loaded weapon at each other!...and to think, you would threaten to kill each other! (She slams her face into her palms and begins sobbing. Dave and Sean both look at each other and relize they went to far.)

Dave: Honey...(He says sorrowfully.)I didn't mean to...I mean, I did....but....

Sean: I'm sorry, I should be more careful about other peoples feelings before I say things. My tounge gets the best of me sometimes.

Dave: It's fine, I'm tense too. Being in this war has been driving me crazy, sometimes I think there's no hope too.

Kathorine:(Wipes the tears from her face with her sleave) Thanks.. I've been worrying too. Not about us but about annie...

Dave: She's fine too, your parents are more than capable of taking care of her.

Kathorine: That's not what I'm worried about, I'm afraid of what might happen to her if she has to grow up with..no parents.

Dave: Don't think about that! She's a strong girl, besides we'll be going home in month. (Dave leans over to Kathorine and kisses her on the cheek.)

Sean: Your kid, eh?(Dave and Kathorine both nod.) Lucky. I've never setteled down, never found the right girl, ya know? (Dave nods again in agreement but not completley understanding what Sean ment.)

Steve: We're almost to our landing zone, when we get there...(The sound of an incoming rocket smashes into the side sending the pelican into a rapid decent. The lights suddenly go black, only the screams of the marines and the sound of gunshots are heard.)

END OF ACT ONE

What do you think? If you have any suggestions or problems please say something.

Is this something like what you were thinking about Adam? If not please tell me so I can start over, I don't want to waste time writing something that is not what you're needing. ;p
 
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gamerguy55 said:
Ok, I'm no writer but I've been involved with a few plays and understand what it takes to make a production like this. Here's something that I Just wrote up, please don't mind the spelling errors. I am horrible with coming up with names, so if anyone has a better suggestion for names of these characters please speak up. The set for this would be 'very' simple and easy to fine/construct. The whole scene is taken place in one location (obviously).
What do you think? If you have any suggestions or problems please say something.

Is this something like what you were thinking about Adam? If not please tell me so I can start over, I don't want to waste time writing something that is not what you're needing. ;p

I'm still waiting on feedback for mine too haha. I thought the dialogue was well written, however I personally thought it started off kind of heavy. I mean they're already thinking they're doomed, which doesn't leave much for later character development in the following acts except for continued despair. I guess I was just going a different route with the characters in my ACT I. I have the whole three acts roughly written out as far as character development, but each of the characters grow in different ways as the acts carry onto the next one. Just my opinion, we just have different plot and character development. Good job though!
 
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Jaxjags2100 said:
I'm still waiting on feedback for mine too haha. I thought the dialogue was well written, however I personally thought it started off kind of heavy. I mean they're already thinking they're doomed, which doesn't leave much for later character development in the following acts except for continued despair. I guess I was just going a different route with the characters in my ACT I. I have the whole three acts roughly written out as far as character development, but each of the characters grow in different ways as the acts carry onto the next one. Just my opinion, we just have different plot and character development. Good job though!
I agree about the characters. I would like to develop them a little more too but with the time limit being only 5 minutes I really couldn't do a whole lot. :/ GJ on yours too!
 
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gamerguy55 said:
Ok, I'm no writer but I've been involved with a few plays and understand what it takes to make a production like this. Here's something that I Just wrote up, please don't mind the spelling errors. I am horrible with coming up with names, so if anyone has a better suggestion for names of these characters please speak up. The set for this would be 'very' simple and easy to fine/construct. The whole scene is taken place in one location (obviously).
What do you think? If you have any suggestions or problems please say something.

Is this something like what you were thinking about Adam? If not please tell me so I can start over, I don't want to waste time writing something that is not what you're needing. ;p

I like it. The whole doomsday feeling of it will just make the scene where the chief comes in more dramatic. Plus, the war with the covenant is sure to have taken a great toll on every human's life; when the UNSC doesn't have time to put everyone through boot camp, there's definitely gonna be some pretty hard-hit soldiers with low morale.
 
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ShearMe said:
I like it. The whole doomsday feeling of it will just make the scene where the chief comes in more dramatic. Plus, the war with the covenant is sure to have taken a great toll on every human's life; when the UNSC doesn't have time to put everyone through boot camp, there's definitely gonna be some pretty hard-hit soldiers with low morale.

Oh I agree completely that there needs to be a doomsday feeling to the whole thing, but not in the first act. Those are meant to be in the second and third act. For example, in the original Star Wars trilogy, Episode IV isn't that dark, but Empire Strikes Back is very dark compared to Episode IV - A New Hope.
 
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Jaxjags2100 said:
Oh I agree completely that there needs to be a doomsday feeling to the whole thing, but not in the first act. Those are meant to be in the second and third act. For example, in the original Star Wars trilogy, Episode IV isn't that dark, but Empire Strikes Back is very dark compared to Episode IV - A New Hope.

Very true, very true... don't want the watchers to dislike it from the beggining, right?
 
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i write fight scenes and drama for my local theater. i specialise in hand to hand but enjoy all coriography. if a fight scene or gloomy mood scene (the "give up scene mabye) need writting, im you man. ill start work on it imidiatly.


it says in the outline to think of this as a stage production. does that mean you dont want the camera to move? or can it?
 
Invictus2233 said:
i write fight scenes and drama for my local theater. i specialise in hand to hand but enjoy all coriography. if a fight scene or gloomy mood scene (the "give up scene mabye) need writting, im you man. ill start work on it imidiatly.
it says in the outline to think of this as a stage production. does that mean you dont want the camera to move? or can it?

I'm not sure how old you are, but if you plan on writing anything, you need to work on your spelling. I know I'm a spelling nut, it's the writer in me. Just a few minor error's in your spelling. "Specialize, Choreography, maybe, immediately" Either way I look forward to seeing your outline :)
 
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