Favourite Comedy Lines

[the stig]

Just post a few lines from your favourite stand up comedians and spread some Lulz.



My favourite Comedian is Frankie Boyle, All these are from him:



Frankie on Airport Staff.

"In the Event of the Cabin Decompressing, Oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling, And untangling them will annoy you before you die."



Frankie on Paris Hilton

'They say in jail, The warders put sperm in Paris Hiltons Porridge, That must've been a horrible moment for her... "Eurghh! There's porridge in this!" '



Frankie on Cancer

"I just noticed the other day... That Cancer is on Predictive Texts... Who the f*** is texting people the news that they've got cancer? 'I've got cancer! Laugh out Loud" Another one, Rape! Who the f*** is using that facility? 'Better tell my mum I wont be home for dinner, Sorry mum, gone out raping.'... I like the way I mentioned rape and that guy in the audience left...'I knew i had something to do tonight!'.



Frankie on Science

"Ever heard that science thing, that if you put a frog into a pan of boiling water, it'll jump out. But if you put it in cold water, and heat the water up, the frog won't realise, And it'll die, Or to put it another way... Scientists have got alot of spare time on their hands...

'Shall we have a go at curing cancer?'

'No... I'm gonna see how many fruit pastels it takes to choke a kestrel..."

 

[Flyerfye]

Demetri Martin

"‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. 'Sort of' – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, 'sort of' means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’"



“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”



“I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.’"



“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”



“About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’ "



EDIT: had to add a few more on here.

"Graffiti… I don’t like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like “Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known if I had not walked by there, thank you.” Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!”, “U2 Rocks!”. I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay!” “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”, “This is a bridge!”, “That guy’s right!”



"I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”

 

[Dan]

Eddie Izzard:



"That's Jeff Vader that is!"



"Do you have a flag?"

 

[silvercookie]

your not bald, your just taller than your hair.



the wipe doesnt fall far from the ass.





i forgot what tv show.

 

[chwbcc1]

"...brought me flowers, now I and going to be laying on my back all night with my feet in the air!!!"



"What don't you have a vase?"



Bette Midler