G.I.-Joe Review
Well I promised myself I’d review this movie because of mixed opinions I had heard so here goes.
I’ll review this in chronological order, So the start.
The beginning of the film starts in medieval times. Upon first sights you can tell this is going to be an important component of the story.
Well you'd be wrong. Mention of this scenario comes up, what, twice in the whole film? The second time it's brought up it really confused me, In short some guy was breaking laws and basically had a metal mask welded to his face for eternity as punishment. It's more retarded than it sounds. Though it really made me cringe when they shoved a lump of glowing hot metal onto his face carelessly.
I expected an instant mention of this when the film was brought to real time but instead it went strait to some sort of press conference with the old Dr Who actor trying to talk with a Scottish accent and miserably failing.
It majorly reminded me of Iron Man, A conference with hi technology warheads. Only this time it was much more childish, Not only did the missiles strangely look like some sort of energy drink, Instead of blowing up it splashed green water everywhere, but it was actually microscopic metal insects that... eat stuff... To put it simply. I mean it could've been Acid or something but they had to be awkward and make hungry bacteria filled missiles.
The transportation scene was partially retarded as half way through a f***ing alien spaceship came out of nowhere and started blowing $#!T up for no reason, though turns out they just wanted the bottles of Gatorade... I mean the warheads... And it wasn't actually aliens, It was a load of indestructible soldiers that practically walked through explosions, And some hot chick with a pistol that blew up tanks, Who rather than wearing armor, Was wearing less then the average stripper, I think she got sidetracked from her journey to a photoshoot, She didn't really look dressed to go out killing people but I guess that didn't occur to anybody again.
Now I though the whole secret organisation for the government would come in later on in the story. But nope. Before we knew it ANOTHER crazy alien spaceship came out of nowhere, And before we knew it, Ninjas appeared and just f***ed up everyone. Also there was another hot chick who shot people in the eyes with a crossbow...
That was fun...
The whole idea of the "Secret Organisation" certainly wasn't secret. I mean spaceships flying around blowing up $#!T up with ninjas and chicks with crossbows... It wasn't very discreet. Though in the end turns out the Glamour model with the RPG-like pistols and her army of robots were against the guys with the ninjas and other soldiers. Now the main two characters, who have the nerfs... I mean warheads... Are taken by this organisation, filled with people who for some reason are all called Joe or something. Alot of boring stuff happens, But within 10 minutes of being the enemy, being captured, and talking about warheads, the two main characters had already received Weaponry, Training, Super robotic suits of armor and a hot girlfriend. For no apparent reason, besides the main character knowing the chick on the other team.
The bad guys called "Cobra" track "Joe" and go to their base to steal the warheads, The Glamour model and the crossbow chick have a bitch fight, The "Joe" Ninja gets into a fight with with a "Cobra" ninja with a ridiculous name like "Stealth Shadow" or something, Not the first name that comes to mind when your new born child is born but hell, He's Chinese so I suppose that makes it OK. Anyway the two ninjas fight and somehow the bad Ninja realises that the good Ninja was actually a student who he was a rival with when he was a child. How EITHER of them know this is ridiculous. For two reasons. One. They are BOTH wearing full face masks. And the Good Ninja DOESN'T TALK. So how the hell they recognised each other I really don't know.
Anyway, without further ado, They went to... Paris? Ended up seeing a surprisingly good chase scene including a Ninja. A chick on a motorbike. And two Robotic guys chasing a car. All to fire the warheads at the Eifell tower. The whole movie they go on about how they spent millions of dollars on these nukes... And they fire them in Paris? Not being racist but... It's only Paris, Why not go for America... Anyway when the scene was over They knocked down the Eiffel tower. And the Powerade... I mean green robot bacteria spills over half of Paris... If it would end up travelling and spilling all over Paris anyway, Why the hell hit the Eiffel tower? I say aim for a random building, It'd save them alot of trouble and in theory it should've spread all the way to the Eiffel tower ANYWAY.
Also the robotic suits being worn withstood explosions, Being hit by cars, Gunfire... You get the idea. Yet the subordinate character wearing the suit gets knocked down by a Ninja with a frying pan. Makes sense right?
So back to the story, The main character gets taken hostage... Conversation scene... More boring stuff about the story that nobody actually cares about. Then you meet a strange character. Who wears a gas mask and a monocle. Who is actually the evil chicks sister, She just doesn't know because his face has been burnt the f*** out of by an air strike in a later cut scene.They get bored and decide to reveal all their secrets to the enemy to stir up $#!T an hopefully make the story interesting. Turns out a secret base in the middle of the north pole wasn't secret ENOUGH. So they decided to make another secret base underneath the water. Which also belongs to the guy with the poor Scottish accent from the beginning. They get tracked by Joe... Yes... All of them, And a Guy who knows how to fly ships, The crossbow chick and the ninja decide to ride Jet ski's with missile launchers attached while the rest just go via ship, Which seems the easiest option, which belongs to some African guy with a HORRIBLE English accent I could never take seriously, Believe it or not America, Not ALL of us sound like the queen, Especially the Brits that are part of a secret organisation that focus on blowing $#!T up.
The Good Ninja kills the Bad Ninja with like, No trouble. Seems pretty ridiculous, As most films gain tension by making the good guy almost lose. But instead the Good guy just walks in and stabs him right in the chest. End of story.
The main character escapes, and for some reason takes the Anti-Tank girl with him, After what she done I don't understand why.
Then the strangest thing happens. They fire these warheads you see. Filled with the metal-eating bugs. The first one was taken down by the Ninja in his jet ski. Then the subordinate character gets in a plane and chases the other two. Now this is what got me.
The first warhead is travelling to America. the White house... Washington. One of the most important places in the world, And the other is heading to Moscow.
Yes you heard me correctly. Moscow. I'm not saying there's anything WRONG with Moscow, But comparing it to Washington seems like a silly move.
Anyway the chick over the radio says these words "GO TAKE OUT THE ONE GOING TO MOSCOW FIRST!!!"
Sorry what? You're American. And you have a choice to destroy 1 of 2 warheads, One going to America of course, Washington. And the other going to Moscow, A place you've probably never even been to, Last time I checked Washington was much more important than any other place in the world.
Oh yeah. And the ships he's flying is voice activated. Unfortunately it only accepts Scottish, Which seems odd because the only scottish character in the whole film is the weapons designer. So it took the chick about half an hour to figure out what "Fire" was in Scottish.
Anyway before we know it the two bad guys that survived decide to blow up their own base, You see the base was under water, Under the ice. And to destroy it they blew up the Ice perimeter above them, And the Ice sank to the bottom crushing and destroying the base.
The Major flaw being that ICE DOESN'T F*CKING SINK.
Also the explosions underwater didn't show any properties or effects of what a usual explosion looks like underwater. Might aswell have been on the surface. The bad guys escaped Via A huge green glowing submarine, Not a target for the enemy at all really? I mean who would possibly notice a huge submarine that's green and glowing underwater right?
Anyway I didn't get it. Just as I expected a good fight scene, It skipped to them being put into a laser prison cell or some $#!T. The main character falls in love with the woman from the Cobra, And puts her in prison in the process.
And The story ends there...
That's BASICALLY it.
Oh yeah and the president was actually taken over by a bad guy from the Cobra... So I'm guessing a sequel is on the way. Hopefully alot better than this.
Anyway Here's your summary.
Overall the storyline was immensely f***ing retarded. But considering it's based off of an action figure I guess it was OK.
If there was anything I did like about it most, It had to be the special effects, They were great. But If I wanted good effects I'd go see Iron man.
Don't let me put you off though, I still think it's a movie worth seeing, But the storyline, the characters, the whole plot was just awful. The effects were the only thing that I personally enjoyed watching.
If G.I. Joe was a Tv series, a 30 minute show every week on a Saturday morning while eating your breakfast with your children then it could be plausible I suppose. The only people asking for more would be the 10 year old children who love crappy plot lines and explosions. Which is a shame because the films rated a 12.
I think the children will just be shouting for more as the parents sit back and think back on their childhood with the good old action figures.
Overall Film Rating: 4/10
Well I promised myself I’d review this movie because of mixed opinions I had heard so here goes.
I’ll review this in chronological order, So the start.
The beginning of the film starts in medieval times. Upon first sights you can tell this is going to be an important component of the story.
Well you'd be wrong. Mention of this scenario comes up, what, twice in the whole film? The second time it's brought up it really confused me, In short some guy was breaking laws and basically had a metal mask welded to his face for eternity as punishment. It's more retarded than it sounds. Though it really made me cringe when they shoved a lump of glowing hot metal onto his face carelessly.
I expected an instant mention of this when the film was brought to real time but instead it went strait to some sort of press conference with the old Dr Who actor trying to talk with a Scottish accent and miserably failing.
It majorly reminded me of Iron Man, A conference with hi technology warheads. Only this time it was much more childish, Not only did the missiles strangely look like some sort of energy drink, Instead of blowing up it splashed green water everywhere, but it was actually microscopic metal insects that... eat stuff... To put it simply. I mean it could've been Acid or something but they had to be awkward and make hungry bacteria filled missiles.
The transportation scene was partially retarded as half way through a f***ing alien spaceship came out of nowhere and started blowing $#!T up for no reason, though turns out they just wanted the bottles of Gatorade... I mean the warheads... And it wasn't actually aliens, It was a load of indestructible soldiers that practically walked through explosions, And some hot chick with a pistol that blew up tanks, Who rather than wearing armor, Was wearing less then the average stripper, I think she got sidetracked from her journey to a photoshoot, She didn't really look dressed to go out killing people but I guess that didn't occur to anybody again.
Now I though the whole secret organisation for the government would come in later on in the story. But nope. Before we knew it ANOTHER crazy alien spaceship came out of nowhere, And before we knew it, Ninjas appeared and just f***ed up everyone. Also there was another hot chick who shot people in the eyes with a crossbow...
That was fun...
The whole idea of the "Secret Organisation" certainly wasn't secret. I mean spaceships flying around blowing up $#!T up with ninjas and chicks with crossbows... It wasn't very discreet. Though in the end turns out the Glamour model with the RPG-like pistols and her army of robots were against the guys with the ninjas and other soldiers. Now the main two characters, who have the nerfs... I mean warheads... Are taken by this organisation, filled with people who for some reason are all called Joe or something. Alot of boring stuff happens, But within 10 minutes of being the enemy, being captured, and talking about warheads, the two main characters had already received Weaponry, Training, Super robotic suits of armor and a hot girlfriend. For no apparent reason, besides the main character knowing the chick on the other team.
The bad guys called "Cobra" track "Joe" and go to their base to steal the warheads, The Glamour model and the crossbow chick have a bitch fight, The "Joe" Ninja gets into a fight with with a "Cobra" ninja with a ridiculous name like "Stealth Shadow" or something, Not the first name that comes to mind when your new born child is born but hell, He's Chinese so I suppose that makes it OK. Anyway the two ninjas fight and somehow the bad Ninja realises that the good Ninja was actually a student who he was a rival with when he was a child. How EITHER of them know this is ridiculous. For two reasons. One. They are BOTH wearing full face masks. And the Good Ninja DOESN'T TALK. So how the hell they recognised each other I really don't know.
Anyway, without further ado, They went to... Paris? Ended up seeing a surprisingly good chase scene including a Ninja. A chick on a motorbike. And two Robotic guys chasing a car. All to fire the warheads at the Eifell tower. The whole movie they go on about how they spent millions of dollars on these nukes... And they fire them in Paris? Not being racist but... It's only Paris, Why not go for America... Anyway when the scene was over They knocked down the Eiffel tower. And the Powerade... I mean green robot bacteria spills over half of Paris... If it would end up travelling and spilling all over Paris anyway, Why the hell hit the Eiffel tower? I say aim for a random building, It'd save them alot of trouble and in theory it should've spread all the way to the Eiffel tower ANYWAY.
Also the robotic suits being worn withstood explosions, Being hit by cars, Gunfire... You get the idea. Yet the subordinate character wearing the suit gets knocked down by a Ninja with a frying pan. Makes sense right?
So back to the story, The main character gets taken hostage... Conversation scene... More boring stuff about the story that nobody actually cares about. Then you meet a strange character. Who wears a gas mask and a monocle. Who is actually the evil chicks sister, She just doesn't know because his face has been burnt the f*** out of by an air strike in a later cut scene.They get bored and decide to reveal all their secrets to the enemy to stir up $#!T an hopefully make the story interesting. Turns out a secret base in the middle of the north pole wasn't secret ENOUGH. So they decided to make another secret base underneath the water. Which also belongs to the guy with the poor Scottish accent from the beginning. They get tracked by Joe... Yes... All of them, And a Guy who knows how to fly ships, The crossbow chick and the ninja decide to ride Jet ski's with missile launchers attached while the rest just go via ship, Which seems the easiest option, which belongs to some African guy with a HORRIBLE English accent I could never take seriously, Believe it or not America, Not ALL of us sound like the queen, Especially the Brits that are part of a secret organisation that focus on blowing $#!T up.
The Good Ninja kills the Bad Ninja with like, No trouble. Seems pretty ridiculous, As most films gain tension by making the good guy almost lose. But instead the Good guy just walks in and stabs him right in the chest. End of story.
The main character escapes, and for some reason takes the Anti-Tank girl with him, After what she done I don't understand why.
Then the strangest thing happens. They fire these warheads you see. Filled with the metal-eating bugs. The first one was taken down by the Ninja in his jet ski. Then the subordinate character gets in a plane and chases the other two. Now this is what got me.
The first warhead is travelling to America. the White house... Washington. One of the most important places in the world, And the other is heading to Moscow.
Yes you heard me correctly. Moscow. I'm not saying there's anything WRONG with Moscow, But comparing it to Washington seems like a silly move.
Anyway the chick over the radio says these words "GO TAKE OUT THE ONE GOING TO MOSCOW FIRST!!!"
Sorry what? You're American. And you have a choice to destroy 1 of 2 warheads, One going to America of course, Washington. And the other going to Moscow, A place you've probably never even been to, Last time I checked Washington was much more important than any other place in the world.
Oh yeah. And the ships he's flying is voice activated. Unfortunately it only accepts Scottish, Which seems odd because the only scottish character in the whole film is the weapons designer. So it took the chick about half an hour to figure out what "Fire" was in Scottish.
Anyway before we know it the two bad guys that survived decide to blow up their own base, You see the base was under water, Under the ice. And to destroy it they blew up the Ice perimeter above them, And the Ice sank to the bottom crushing and destroying the base.
The Major flaw being that ICE DOESN'T F*CKING SINK.
Also the explosions underwater didn't show any properties or effects of what a usual explosion looks like underwater. Might aswell have been on the surface. The bad guys escaped Via A huge green glowing submarine, Not a target for the enemy at all really? I mean who would possibly notice a huge submarine that's green and glowing underwater right?
Anyway I didn't get it. Just as I expected a good fight scene, It skipped to them being put into a laser prison cell or some $#!T. The main character falls in love with the woman from the Cobra, And puts her in prison in the process.
And The story ends there...
That's BASICALLY it.
Oh yeah and the president was actually taken over by a bad guy from the Cobra... So I'm guessing a sequel is on the way. Hopefully alot better than this.
Anyway Here's your summary.
Overall the storyline was immensely f***ing retarded. But considering it's based off of an action figure I guess it was OK.
If there was anything I did like about it most, It had to be the special effects, They were great. But If I wanted good effects I'd go see Iron man.
Don't let me put you off though, I still think it's a movie worth seeing, But the storyline, the characters, the whole plot was just awful. The effects were the only thing that I personally enjoyed watching.
If G.I. Joe was a Tv series, a 30 minute show every week on a Saturday morning while eating your breakfast with your children then it could be plausible I suppose. The only people asking for more would be the 10 year old children who love crappy plot lines and explosions. Which is a shame because the films rated a 12.
I think the children will just be shouting for more as the parents sit back and think back on their childhood with the good old action figures.
Overall Film Rating: 4/10
