Alpha Team short

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CPO mendez

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ALPHA TEAM

Epsilon Eridani System, Planet Reach March 16th 2552 (military calendar)

“Dust off in 5 minutes”
Vince’s COM reported. He looked his squad over as they caught up to his position:
Chelsea-334, support gunner and second in command, the only one that knew him better than anyone.
Jason-980 materialized in a tree next to their position, which was impressive for a soldier in 885 kilo SPI armor, he is the best sniper he could ask for, quiet, smart and a crack shot with the customized SRS-99D rifle on his back.
David-565, heavy gunner and the only other II besides Vince, the largest Spartan in the squad and a gun to match, the custom heavy machine gun weighed over 68 kilos on its own without the extended field activity clip attached.
Koran-342, the CQC specialist, came sauntering up the slope to the Rendezvous point, the only one who enjoyed this godforsaken war, Vince had heard him actually laughing a few times as he carved up the big purple bastards, Vince noticed the three new notches he had carved into his left breastplate with his lucky sangheili tooth and knew the bloodthirsty fool was smiling under his faceplate.
Vince filled out the lineup in his jet-black MJOLNIR Mk V armor. As squad leader, he was the one who pulled his team out of every mission. Damn ONI jackasses just kept throwing them out into the thick of it, not caring whether they made it home in a body bag or not.
“Blew that bastard’s mask clean off!”
Koran exclaimed as he thumbed shells into his M9A0 shotgun. Their pelican came over the hills and rapidly approached the team, then bucked, exploded and crashed to the ground, and a wave of covenant soldiers rushed toward the team.

The ambush had fallen apart and failed when Jason sent a round through an Elite major’s head and the rest of the panicked grunts and jackals was an easy mop up. The team went around executing the wounded as Koran slowly strangled a jackal with his M9AO while he yelled various insults at it.
“Done whispering sweet nothings to your new boyfriend?”
Vince asked as the jackal finally slumped to the ground.
“Yeah, he’s not really my type."

The team scavenged what they could from the wreckage of the pelican; a M6 Spartan laser, a few BR55’s, a M41 launcher, MA5B ammo, two SMG’s and a M831 Troop Transport warthog on its side, David easily flipped the 1500 kilo truck and piled the weapons into the back and they sped off.

They had made it back to the base and they all scarfed down some rations, got a well-deserved night’s rest.
Vince awoke to the sound of the emergency alarm. A covenant flagship had dropped from the orbital fight, and he had a feeling that his team was going to be involved.
The CO, a hard man named ayes called them up from the barracks he had scraped together a few squads of ODST’s to accompany them on the mission. The carrier had been badly damaged and had almost completely powered down for what they assumed was repairs, which made Vince nervous, the covenant never left something this huge just dead out in the open like that. A ground entry was too dangerous, so they were going to drop with the ODST’s. Koran was grinning like a fool.

They were ferried up to a hard pressed orbiting frigate for the drop, they had to hit before the flagship had time to make repairs. As his squad walked into the pod launch pad, the group of ODST’s snapped crisp salutes. They had to wait for the platform to position above the carrier. Koran Challenged the Helljumpers to an arm wrestling match, which they stupidly agreed to. Finally the sirens started flashing notifying the team and the Helljumpers that they were about to jump.
Koran looked like a kid in a toy store as he selected a weapon and a pod for the drop. They all got in their respective pods and were cycled out into the drop area, and the mission began.


Vince’s drop pod tore through covenant metal and came to a jarring stop inside a hangar bay. Vince smiled as the pod’s ejected door smeared an Elite onto the far side of the wall. The NAV updated on his Heads Up Display, the briefing rolled across his field of vision; Intel says there is a minor prophet aboard the ship, and it was their job to take him out. He had a feeling something was wrong, he dismissed it and grabbed what weapons he had in the pod and set out to find the rest of his team.
‘Strange’, thought Vince, ‘Usually a ship this size is crawling with covenant’. He dismissed the thought as he dispatched a group of sleeping grunts.
Vince dodged a ball of plasma that whizzed by his head and partially melted the far wall a burst of fire from his MA5B was sufficient to drop the grunts.
He policed the grunt’s plasma grenades and set off down the dark hall. He rounded the corner and came to the first locked door of the day, he plugged the TACPAD on his gauntlet to the door’s terminal, the lock was no match for ONI’s hacking systems as the door slid open, and he came face-to-face with the business end of an M9AO
“ Watch it Koran, It’s just me.” Vince said.
The shotgun lowered slightly
“What’s the password?” Koran asked.
Vince pushed the shotgun back into Koran’s face and was rewarded with a grunt of pain as the butt of the gun collided with Koran’s faceplate.
“Ha ha.” Vince said as he walked into the room. He was relieved to see the rest of his squad in the room, Chelsea looked up.
“Vince!” she cried. “We were wondering when you’d join the party.” David said with a chuckle. “We’re about to take the bridge.” One of the ODST techs called from the terminal at the far side of the room.
“Good,” Vince sighed “but don’t you think that this whole mission was too easy?” As if cued by Vince’s words, a huge explosion rocked the ship as the deck bucked under their feet.

The flagship was going down. The covenant bastards had set this flagship to blow. “We have to get out of here now!” Vince yelled over the muffled thumps of explosions. He could feel the deck heating under his boots. “Everyone get to that phantom!”
The ODST’s obliged as they all sprinted for the dropship. “Do you know how to drive one of these things Vince?”
Chelsea asked
”No”
They barely made it out of the hangar before it was engulfed in a roiling pink and blue fireball, “I can’t hold her!”
Vince growled through clenched teeth as the dropship plummeted downward, There was a flash and a thunderclap as the engines went supernova inside the flagship, the phantom went cart wheeling through the air as the marines inside were thrown around like rag dolls, Vince was thrown back against the wall of
He cockpit and had just enough time to curse before he blacked out.

Vince came to with a start, and he instantly wish he hadn’t, pain exploded in his left leg and everything went dark as he passed out again from the pain.
“Vince, VINCE!” Chelsea shook Vince to consciousness; he rolled over as pain exploded in his side again.
“Oh god, I thought you were dead,” she said as she grabbed a bottle of Biofoam and inserted it into a cut in his side.
She propped him up and he got to see the crash site for the first time; the dropship hadn’t fared well, debris and dead were scattered around the smoldering wreck of the phantom. Half the ODST’s didn’t make it and another seven were wounded. Chelsea called over one of the surviving ODST medics to Asses the damage; his face was grim as he read his TACPAD. “The only thing keeping you alive is that Biofoam.” Chelsea hung her head as he read the assessment. There was no time for sorrow as he heard the high-pitched whine of incoming covenant phantoms.

Chelsea went to pick him up but he stopped her “no, well be run down and killed. I’ll stay behind, give you guys a chance.”
She tried to protest but he stopped her, there was no time to argue, the dropships were closing fast.

As the elites found the wounded demon and transported him to their dropship as a captive they didn’t notice the small Shiva nuclear device hidden under the crook of his arm.
As the sangheili warriors escorted the demon through these sacred halls to be interrogated by the hierarch, Trusa’ legatee was disgusted by the demon’s repulsive form and wished he could be down on the ground, cleaning their race from the sacred planets, as they neared the hierarch’s chambers, the demon broke away and cornered himself in the main engine room like the animal he was, and Trusa’ and the other elites soon recaptured him.

Vince was roughly thrown in front of a frail looking alien floating in a chair about a meter off the ground, he almost blacked out from the impact with the ground, ‘that must be a prophet’ He thought to himself, the alien floated near and began to speak in perfect English, “You dare try to defeat us? With your primitive weapons and armor? That you could conquer us? That you could possibly stand a chance?” As the prophet rambled on about ‘heresy’ Vince gathered up his strength to stand in front of the ugly bastard, just one last push…

Vince rose with an audible grunt, he could see his vitals failing and knew that he didn’t have much time left, but he didn’t need much
He stood there for a moment, and brought his fists up to a guard stance, ready to fight, the prophet stopped talking, looked at him, and started laughing, as did all the elites in the room “You think you could possibly survive to escape this ship? That you could defeat a ship full of beings much larger and of greater strength and will than you could ever hope for in your wildest drea-”
Vince punched him mid-sentence, causing him to flip out of his chair. “That was for earth!” Vince yelled at the motionless alien.
Then he pushed the detonator on the small Shiva nuclear device hidden under the alien translight engine.
 
Cool_story_bro.jpg
:D
But really, it was pretty cool- might advise some better organizing around the dialogue (When a character talks, start a new line, etc) Other than that was quite enjoyable
 
Shorten and break up your descriptions. You got a lot of run-on sentences. Don't over describe material i.e don't be overly flowery. It breaks the flow of action.

Cut back on the As, Slightly, Almost, Seemed To, About, etc. Either something does something or it doesn't. Again, this goes back to excess text.

Dumb down the intuition for your characters. Don't let them "know" stuff that they couldn't possibly be certain about. At least make them guess or be more unsure.


Other than that pretty good read. I'm not much of a fanfiction guy. All of this is meant to be constructive criticism of your writing style. I see a lot of problems in it that I still have to fight in my own style to this day. As Steven King said about the Gunslinger, "It had all of the problems of a young man's book."

Keep writing!
 
yeah, it was originally too long to fit, so i had to take out a few bits. the complete one is much better
 
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