"the 9 Most Badass Bible Verses"

[flying squirl]

Alright, hear me out, I was really doubting this but its damn funny stuff. It's not particularly child friendly tho, there is the odd curse word here and there.

http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_9-mos...ble-verses.html

Here's a little excerpt:
"[...]It's brilliant in its simplicity, and we're surprised religious debates were ever carried out any other way after that. You can raise all the intellectual challenges you want about faith and the origins of the universe, but at the end of the day, you have to worship the god who can set you on fire. It's common sense.

We like to think Elijah stood in front of the howling column of heavenly fire, straightened his robes, turned to the crowd and said, "Thus, my opponent's argument falls." Then, he finished the debate in the way that all debates should be finished: by having the losers slaughtered."

seriously, it's worth a read, even just for the different point of view on those parts if not just the comedy.

bdw, if any religious types are offended lemme know n I'll get rid of the link

p.s. hello all, I got my laptop workin again... I think.

 

[gamerguy55]

[...]Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Moses had a body count.[...]

I love Cracked.

Glad your computer's up and running again.

 

[Aeonyx]

ROFLMAO!!

 

[ImaGonnaGetYou]

=( Sad face.

 

[Spartan137]

Ha! LOL!

Some of those are so hard to believe, but then you remember John 1:17!

 

[abandonship]

haha, I love the bible.

 

[SGT Razor]

Don't *bleep* with God, or bears will eat you! That's awesome... except for the F-word and God in the same sentence.

 

[mooseguy04]

that was hilarious!!! On one of the chapters around Elijah's burning sacrifice, Elijah calls down the fire to burn the wet sacrifice and displeases the other Baal monks. In turn for their misfortune, all like 20 thousand of them pulled out their daggers and killed themselves, ripping their entrails out and chopping their arms off. No kidding, look it up.

 

[Dreadnought]

"We've all been there. You're walking along, minding your own business, when a gang of cocky, young bastards start hurling abuse at you. Most of us would just keep walking, or maybe, yell some insults back or flip them the bird. Elisha (commonly regarded as the Luke Skywalker to the Prophet Elijah's Obi-Wan Kenobi), however, decides to take it one step further. Invoking the name of God, he summons motherf%&#ing bears to come and claw the s%$# out of them.

Christians are constantly asking for prayer in schools to help get today's kids in line, but we beg to differ. We need bears in schools. If every teacher had the power to summon a pair of child-maiming grizzly avengers, you can bet that schoolchildren nowadays would be the most well-behaved, polite children, ever. It's a simple choice: listen to the biology lesson, or get first-hand knowledge of the digestive system of Ursus horribilis."

LMAO

The Samson Quote reminded me of Brock Samson from the Venture Bros. heh...

 

[Unique Name]

I'm actually surprised that they left out the bit where Elijah was making jokes at the expense of Baal. When the priests failed to call fire down from heaven, he said stuff to the effect of "Yell louder, maybe he can't hear you," and "Maybe he's not in right now." A Biblical Badass with a sense of humor.

And yeah, I'm among the christians who still had a good laugh at this. The commentary was a bit off-color, but the bible verses are funny with or without it.

 

[Aeonyx]

Don't *bleep* with God, or bears will eat you! That's awesome... except for the F-word and God in the same sentence.

That is an epic statement, lol

 

[helios]

This just shows everyone who says the Bible is boring how wrong they are. I think it's mostly 'cos they try to read it like a normal book, and get bogged down in Numbers and Leviticus. As a Christian, I find this quite funny, although some verses were taken out of context. That is to say, the one about Moses forgot to mention about how Moses was so ashamed that he ran into the desert for quite a few years.

 

[Razgriz]

This just shows everyone who says the Bible is boring how wrong they are. I think it's mostly 'cos they try to read it like a normal book, and get bogged down in Numbers and Leviticus. As a Christian, I find this quite funny, although some verses were taken out of context. That is to say, the one about Moses forgot to mention about how Moses was so ashamed that he ran into the desert for quite a few years.

Yep, I agree.

Was pretty funny. I don't like seeing the F-bomb in the same sentence that is talking about the Lord, but the rest was pretty funny. But really, if you want action packed/gory content, look no farther than the Old Testament. lol

 

[Silverzippo93]

BEAR CAVALRY!

 

[rowan]

I think i read this a while back. Cracked is great!

 

[Vexona]

LOL, A+.

God listened carefully to their complaints, weighed their points, then made the earth eat them alive. The text does not make it clear whether or not the earth made that "OM NOM NOM" sound, so scholars are forced to speculate.

I've had this ongoing joke with the 'om nom nom' sound at home, so I about cried.

XD

Edit: His article on the "Monkeysphere" was also a great read

 

[lizander]

There were a few parts that I didn't like so much, but........... If you want blood and gore read the first testament. I laughed at a few of the sentances. funny stuff