Need A Bit Of Relationship Advice...

[Sniperbaas]

Hey everyone, I'm kinda in a little bit of a dilemma here, and I could use some advice/suggestions.



Before I begin, it'd be best if you knew a bit about me. I'm a dancer (yes, I'm straight) , and for the past few years, I've been dancing (duo pieces) with a girl who is a year younger than me. I'll just call her Ash. As this may be my last year that I dance (studio going to pieces, no more good teachers, etc), last summer, I decided to do another piece/duo with another girl. She is dating somebody else, so there wasn't much of a problem with her. However, Ash seemed a little bit surprised/broken up about it. Soon after, Ash asked me if we were dating. (We'd gone on dates, but nothing really serious.) At the time, I had a full time job (11hr workdays etc), and so I stupidly said no... She went on to date a couple of different guys at our school and ended up breaking up with all of them. I still regret not dating her, when I had the chance, but there are a couple of problems. First, I'm not sure how much she really wants to spend any time with me. (She said that she's done with guys....) My mom doesn't really like her, for she says that Ash is a bit insecure...



Enter the second half of my dilemma, in one of my classes this semester I "re-met" a girl who I had known before. She also re-took up dance, so I saw her fairly often. For posterity, I'll call her Tanya. Because Ash was dating other guys etc, I decided to try to start a friendship with Tanya and see how that goes. We get along really well in our classes (both at dance and school), but she doesn't seem to want to have any form of a relationship outside of those two activities. This may be because, she thinks that I want more than a friendship, or just to date her for a little bit.



That's kinda the spot I'm in, and I was wondering if anybody had any reasonable advice....





Cheers.....

 

[Deathcoreknight]

dude keep your head up and mind right and follow your heart and do what ever it takes to make that person happy

 

[009 SPA]

When it comes to relationships, don't listen to your parents. That is the one part of your life that only you know best.

 

[GiR3892]

always go with your heart , never mind what your parents think its not up to THEM to make YOU truly happy. the main thing is patience! , it may be annoying but the best things in life come when you wait . i say just ask "ash" out for another date and then ask if anything will ever become more then it is , if not no hard feeling theres plenty of fish in the water out there



but mainly keep your chin up and keep trying

 

[Sniperbaas]

dude keep your head up and mind right and follow your heart and do what ever it takes to make that person happy

Thanks, it's sometimes hard to remember to keep my head up, but thanks I will.

When it comes to relationships, don't listen to your parents. That is the one part of your life that only you know best.

In retrospect, I suppose you are very much right about that. They seem to want what's best for me, but I guess they don't always know... Thanks

always go with your heart , never mind what your parents think its not up to THEM to make YOU truly happy. the main thing is patience! , it may be annoying but the best things in life come when you wait . i say just ask "ash" out for another date and then ask if anything will ever become more then it is , if not no hard feeling theres plenty of fish in the water out there



but mainly keep your chin up and keep trying

Thank you. I think that asking "Ash" out will be my best option, but I'm scared of losing her as a friend and dance partner... Believe me though, I know a lot about patience. I wasn't allowed to date till I was 16.

I'll keep your comments in mind.







Thanks to everyone so far...

 

[SchizophrenicMC]

I agree with the above poster. Don't listen to your parents; they'll never give you an answer that sits well with your heart.



As to Tanya, it would seem you're in her friend zone, and this is probably for the better. Just maintain that bond of friendship.



For Ash, however... This could be complicated. Do you still like her? Do you think you could convince her that you were stupid before for saying no?

I mean, if she liked you enough then, you can play your cards right and win her heart back. If not, well, it's time to move on from that chapter of your life, buddy.

 

[DevilFish101]

just a couple words of advice, usually when a girl says "im done with guys" she dosent actually mean that, she eather means you need to impress her, or she is thinking about accepting another relationship, at least that is how it worked out for me, and like all the other guys are saying your parents arnt dating her, so they really shouldnt have a say in the matter even tho you are there son haha.



//Jeremy

 

[link4044]

I saw hear your parents out first, listen to what they have to say and ask questions about why they don't like her. It's good to have parnets that cares about your life, trust me on this. Then you can make up your mind plus then been on this earth longer then you have. Plus you come on here asking us about this and we don't know you like your parnets do

 

[Sniperbaas]

i write poetry would you like to pass some of this off as your own to her? or just give them to her and say when you read it you though of her? also keep patient and dont give up.

send pm if you want some of my poems.

best of luck

-Dusty

Thanks Dusty, but I don't think I could pass anyone else's work off as my own. I wouldn't mind reading a couple of them, for they might also help me say what I want to say.

I agree with the above poster. Don't listen to your parents; they'll never give you an answer that sits well with your heart.



As to Tanya, it would seem you're in her friend zone, and this is probably for the better. Just maintain that bond of friendship.



For Ash, however... This could be complicated. Do you still like her? Do you think you could convince her that you were stupid before for saying no?

I mean, if she liked you enough then, you can play your cards right and win her heart back. If not, well, it's time to move on from that chapter of your life, buddy.

I still like her a lot, and I think that I might be able to convince her of my stupidity before saying no, but I'm not sure if she would want to "go back". However, you're right, if it doesn't work out, I really need to move on.

just a couple words of advice, usually when a girl says "im done with guys" she dosent actually mean that, she eather means you need to impress her, or she is thinking about accepting another relationship, at least that is how it worked out for me, and like all the other guys are saying your parents arnt dating her, so they really shouldnt have a say in the matter even tho you are there son haha.



//Jeremy

I'm not sure, if she was trying to say "try harder" or "I'm really done with relationships for a while." (One of the guys dumped her in a horrible way...)

I saw hear your parents out first, listen to what they have to say and ask questions about why they don't like her. It's good to have parnets that cares about your life, trust me on this. Then you can make up your mind plus then been on this earth longer then you have. Plus you come on here asking us about this and we don't know you like your parnets do

Thanks, I'll talk to them again, and see what they think. Like you said, they have been around the block a lot more than I have... My reasons for coming here though are that you guys are always supportive and can help me see more than just one side of this...







Thanks again to everyone.

 

[SchizophrenicMC]

Just do whatever your heart decides, man. Best of luck to you.

 

[Sniperbaas]

Just do whatever your heart decides, man. Best of luck to you.

That I will... Thanks a lot. (I just hope I don't need luck.)





Thanks to everyone!

Y'all helped me get my mind back on straight.

 

[ACDCrockr209]

Sounds like the "Ash" girl really liked you dude.



If you try to get back with her, don't do it fast. Just go slow(a few dates, and then ask her if it will go anywhere from where it is now).



I hope you get her back.



-Pony

 

[AlexSpartan177]

Dude, I was in the same situation.



I liked 2 girls, one more than the other.



The one I really like aka "Girl #1", I didnt see her that much, and "Girl #2" I always went out with her, but I just didnt feel the same like with girl 1.



What I did, Is just letted them go, Im still friendswith them. I just started looking for other people. I didnt want to get hurt and stop being friends with both of them.



I dont know how you feel about them, but If you feel you really want to get in a relationship with one of them go ahead. And like Link said, you should consider your parents choice, opinion etc.. just dont get carried away with thier decision.

 

[bobbio555]

I was in a similar situation, attracted to two girls, one I didn't see very often, Katrin, seeing as she went to a different school, and one who I did, Katie. If you really like Ash, don't let her go, and don't try to find a substitute, just because it's more convenient. I did. Luckily, I was able to mend the situation before it progressed out of hand, and now I'm happily dating Katrin. Hopefully it's not too late for you to do the same.

 

[CommanderFluffy]

needs an edit for readability...



ok so heres a good lesson.. second girl seems to give off the only friends vibe keep it that way... so tanya i say keep it friends until she makes a move... or shows some kind of emotion towards you.



as for ash...



yes as for ash... well lets see parents can be right and wrong..



so all the guys she dated didnt work.. a sign she cant find a guy she can really relate to or trys to do other things she doesnt want to or is unprepared for it...



so heres my advise... start hanging around with ash... tell her you miss having her around or whatever... then one day ask her to hang out at a mall or whatever... this worked for me try it yourself...



get her ice cream or something she likes or a coffee or something... you get something too cause otherwise it will be awkward...

ask her is she is seeing anyone. if she says "no" or "i see you" look at her nicely and say "would you like to be seeing someone?"

she may say "what do you mean?"

say something "like you wanna go out on a date with me or kinda you know become my girlfriend over time"... yada yada... pause for effect and watch her face for reactions...



first might be confusion or a smile or anything really... so if she says "yes" take her to a movie or something... go for a walk, bike ride or whatever.



if she says "i dunno"... well then look her in the eye... if her hand is on the table put your hand on hers and say "maybe a relationship with me wont be like the ones with other guys".



and if she says "no"... dont say why not... say something like.... "well i just thought cause your always happy and we have so much fun around each other. we just seem to fit or something...(pause for effect) one date how about that and we'll see how that goes."



one of these three things usually will get the girl to change her mind to trying the situation out and seeing how things will go for you. note for yourself dont rush things and dont push her for things that are meant for the bedroom...



kissing is ok in the right moment but not instantly she needs to get comfy around you to start that. as for first time kissing that girl thats another lesson to learn down the road...



yes i do study relationships so these things can work if done in a good succession. so hold off on things and start planning backups to a yes or maybe answer. like movie this week and a dinner next week and whatnot... its all up to you really. hell even go danceing with her or get some place ready so just you and her can dance and have fun.

 

[Michalanthropos]

I'm not too good with relationships, so instead of advice, I'll tell you what I'd do if I were in your shoes. First, I wouldn't listen to my parents. It's my heart, so it's my decision. Second, there's an old saying, "Whatever you choose, you'll regret for not choosing the other". The choise is not "Ash" or "Tanya". The choice is "Ash" or "no Ash". You have feelings for Ash. It's not "shallow Hal want's a gal". So, if I chose "Ash", I could win or lose. If I don't win, I'll suffer and kick myself for a looooong time(this IS experience talking), but if I don't at least try it'll be worse (thinking of my chance and how I blew it. Again, experience). You still have your chance, so seize it. I would. As for Tanya, she would be my second choice, my backup plan. If lose there too, then I'll hurt, but at least I tried. I won't be so curious about "what if"s and "should had"s.



So, my course of action. Provided that Ash doesn't know about Tanya and vice versa.



I'd talk to Ash. The where AND the how are important. The "where" would be somewhere she feels secure. Like her place. Now, the "How". Like any good hunter, I'd first wear down my pray before moving in for the kill. In other words, jolly conversation. Watching a movie is a good way to make another person relax and be more open to conversation, unless said person wants to see the movie, or the movie has too much action, like Bay's Transformers. As I said, it's important to make the other person feel secure, so I'd leave a light open (not kidding, it's an instict thing). I'd also be careful for any signs of nervousness. If she is nervous, it's a no. If I'm nervous, then she'll get nervous. If I win, then major happy ending. If not, then I'll try with Tanya. But, I'll leave this to you. I'd be too heart-wrecked.



If however the girls know each other.



I'd make sure Tanya never hears about my thing with Ash. I see does, she'll think I'm a bee that flew for another flower because the previous one had it's nectar already sucked when I got there.





In the end, it's your choice.





EDIT: And good luck.

 

[P40 Warhawk]

I was a "dancer" too and had many of the same problems you do. (Actually I was in a Winterguard.... so a mix of dancing, flag, sabre, rifle..... all that stuff)



The trick is to not act in any way that could be seen as desperate. Go slow with Ash, and do not bug her. Just hang out with her, and if she really liked you before, she will probably like you again.



I constantly have problems with multiple women. I am seemingly constantly single.... but then as soon as I find a girl, then another one pops up and I have to choose. I either get no girls, or too many! My frustration knows no bounds.....



Go with your heart, it definitively seems that it is Ash who is best, and that Ash will make you happiest.

 

[Sniperbaas]

Sounds like the "Ash" girl really liked you dude.



If you try to get back with her, don't do it fast. Just go slow(a few dates, and then ask her if it will go anywhere from where it is now).



I hope you get her back.



-Pony

Yeah.... she really did...... Thanks though

Dude, I was in the same situation.



I liked 2 girls, one more than the other.



The one I really like aka "Girl #1", I didnt see her that much, and "Girl #2" I always went out with her, but I just didnt feel the same like with girl 1.



What I did, Is just letted them go, Im still friendswith them. I just started looking for other people. I didnt want to get hurt and stop being friends with both of them.



I dont know how you feel about them, but If you feel you really want to get in a relationship with one of them go ahead. And like Link said, you should consider your parents choice, opinion etc.. just dont get carried away with thier decision.

I'm not sure, if that's going to be my best option right now, but it's certainly something to think about.

Thanks

I was in a similar situation, attracted to two girls, one I didn't see very often, Katrin, seeing as she went to a different school, and one who I did, Katie. If you really like Ash, don't let her go, and don't try to find a substitute, just because it's more convenient. I did. Luckily, I was able to mend the situation before it progressed out of hand, and now I'm happily dating Katrin. Hopefully it's not too late for you to do the same.

Nice to hear everything worked out for you! (As you said, hopefully it's not too late for my case.)

Thanks!

needs an edit for readability...



ok so heres a good lesson.. second girl seems to give off the only friends vibe keep it that way... so tanya i say keep it friends until she makes a move... or shows some kind of emotion towards you.



as for ash...



yes as for ash... well lets see parents can be right and wrong..



so all the guys she dated didnt work.. a sign she cant find a guy she can really relate to or trys to do other things she doesnt want to or is unprepared for it...



so heres my advise... start hanging around with ash... tell her you miss having her around or whatever... then one day ask her to hang out at a mall or whatever... this worked for me try it yourself...



get her ice cream or something she likes or a coffee or something... you get something too cause otherwise it will be awkward...

ask her is she is seeing anyone. if she says "no" or "i see you" look at her nicely and say "would you like to be seeing someone?"

she may say "what do you mean?"

say something "like you wanna go out on a date with me or kinda you know become my girlfriend over time"... yada yada... pause for effect and watch her face for reactions...



first might be confusion or a smile or anything really... so if she says "yes" take her to a movie or something... go for a walk, bike ride or whatever.



if she says "i dunno"... well then look her in the eye... if her hand is on the table put your hand on hers and say "maybe a relationship with me wont be like the ones with other guys".



and if she says "no"... dont say why not... say something like.... "well i just thought cause your always happy and we have so much fun around each other. we just seem to fit or something...(pause for effect) one date how about that and we'll see how that goes."



one of these three things usually will get the girl to change her mind to trying the situation out and seeing how things will go for you. note for yourself dont rush things and dont push her for things that are meant for the bedroom...



kissing is ok in the right moment but not instantly she needs to get comfy around you to start that. as for first time kissing that girl thats another lesson to learn down the road...



yes i do study relationships so these things can work if done in a good succession. so hold off on things and start planning backups to a yes or maybe answer. like movie this week and a dinner next week and whatnot... its all up to you really. hell even go danceing with her or get some place ready so just you and her can dance and have fun.

Thanks Fluffy. I'll probably follow some of those lines that you said. (My apologies about the cleanliness of the first post; however it can be slightly difficult finding the equillibrium between enough and too much information.)

I'm not too good with relationships, so instead of advice, I'll tell you what I'd do if I were in your shoes. First, I wouldn't listen to my parents. It's my heart, so it's my decision. Second, there's an old saying, "Whatever you choose, you'll regret for not choosing the other". The choise is not "Ash" or "Tanya". The choice is "Ash" or "no Ash". You have feelings for Ash. It's not "shallow Hal want's a gal". So, if I chose "Ash", I could win or lose. If I don't win, I'll suffer and kick myself for a looooong time(this IS experience talking), but if I don't at least try it'll be worse (thinking of my chance and how I blew it. Again, experience). You still have your chance, so seize it. I would. As for Tanya, she would be my second choice, my backup plan. If lose there too, then I'll hurt, but at least I tried. I won't be so curious about "what if"s and "should had"s.



So, my course of action. Provided that Ash doesn't know about Tanya and vice versa.



I'd talk to Ash. The where AND the how are important. The "where" would be somewhere she feels secure. Like her place. Now, the "How". Like any good hunter, I'd first wear down my pray before moving in for the kill. In other words, jolly conversation. Watching a movie is a good way to make another person relax and be more open to conversation, unless said person wants to see the movie, or the movie has too much action, like Bay's Transformers. As I said, it's important to make the other person feel secure, so I'd leave a light open (not kidding, it's an instict thing). I'd also be careful for any signs of nervousness. If she is nervous, it's a no. If I'm nervous, then she'll get nervous. If I win, then major happy ending. If not, then I'll try with Tanya. But, I'll leave this to you. I'd be too heart-wrecked.



If however the girls know each other.



I'd make sure Tanya never hears about my thing with Ash. I see does, she'll think I'm a bee that flew for another flower because the previous one had it's nectar already sucked when I got there.





In the end, it's your choice.





EDIT: And good luck.

Thanks, unfortunately the girls know each other quite well. (They're both on the school dance team.) So, I can only hope that my decision remains quiet. It helps to think about the situation as "Ash" or "No Ash", so my decision seems a bit clearer.

I was a "dancer" too and had many of the same problems you do. (Actually I was in a Winterguard.... so a mix of dancing, flag, sabre, rifle..... all that stuff)



The trick is to not act in any way that could be seen as desperate. Go slow with Ash, and do not bug her. Just hang out with her, and if she really liked you before, she will probably like you again.



I constantly have problems with multiple women. I am seemingly constantly single.... but then as soon as I find a girl, then another one pops up and I have to choose. I either get no girls, or too many! My frustration knows no bounds.....



Go with your heart, it definitively seems that it is Ash who is best, and that Ash will make you happiest.

Thanks, I hope that you're right and she can like me again. (Yah, I've had that situation twice before, where everything is working out and then somebody else pops up...)





Thanks to everyone for your help, comments and advice!

 

[Drakku]

I'd love to throw some woman input in here, but I need to know how old you are. Haha. Because believe me, things she's saying have different meanings depending on how old she is, you know what I mean?



Still in high school years, her attachment to you early on sounds like, at least, it was a matter of her growing close to you and getting the impression that you two were a thing. Dancing is an intimate art, and especially if you did all of your pieces with her, and also spent time with her outside of dancing, you're sending the signals that you want to be with her. That's why she would be upset if you went and danced with someone else, at this age, with hormones goin' crazy, you can almost liken it as cheating on her. Sounds extreme, but girls on the majority have extremely strong emotional roller-coasters throughout high school, me definitely being amongst them, so I'd like to pretend I kinda know what's going on. Hah.



That backstory being explained from a female perspective, which I think is important to try to understand it from her end, this is what I would suggest: she is not done with guys, and especially if she said that to you yourself. That's a I-still-remember-what-you-did excuse. First you need to rebuild the friendship, and you've got plenty of suggestions here in the thread on good ways to do that. The important thing is to not go into this with the goal of dating her. Your goal needs to be reacquainting her with why she liked you in the first place. For the first few times, don't go one on one, bring some mutual friends, if possible. If not, make where you go public places, like to the mall or to the movies. Once you feel the relationship is comfortable, ask her out to a more private place or a more intimate setting, like going to a nice restaurant, seeing a play, etc.

Regardless, I can't emphasize enough that you need to take it slow. When I say 'private' and 'intimate', I'm meaning like somewhere you can pay more attention to her.



Last off, I would advise against trying for this Tanya person. If you're getting the vibe she's not interested, you're getting the vibe for a reason.



And Fluffy, I'm sorry, but I myself would be extremely creeped by that approach. Rofl. Depends on the girl, I guess. But I would advise against doing that.. sounds a little movie-romance. ;] Aka, we need to squeeze an entire month of wooing into 5 minutes. Heh.

 

[Nintendude]

I'm 27 and never been in a relationship but I still know enough about them to know how to deal with them. To put it short and sweet it's really not what anyone else thinks but you and her on if you two decide to start dating, your family can have a opinion about it but that does'nt mean you have to follow it.