Everybody Needs To Laugh Sometimes
- Thread starter BlacRoseImmortal
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BlacRoseImmortal
Well-Known Member
Nice Beth, I thought that first picture was funny as hell... i just sent it to my dad lol.
Just 2 quick jokes:
Two Cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
(I know, a knee slapper lol)
A jump cable walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything". xD (my dad is the King of corny jokes)
Just 2 quick jokes:
Two Cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
(I know, a knee slapper lol)A jump cable walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything". xD (my dad is the King of corny jokes)
FinnishSpartan
Well-Known Member
LOL!! You cant kill a bear with a shotgun! Yet alone, pepper spray.tipper said:
It's just going to make them more mad, and then you are in DEEP $#!T.
Bear vs Pepper spray
*bear approaches camper*
"Dont come any closer!" Yelled the camper
*the bear stands up and growls* (trying to get the camper out of it's area)
"Im not afraid to use this!" *takes out pepper spray*
*the camper panics and sprays his pepper spray at the bear*
*the bear gets furious and rampages at the camper, hitting it's paw at the camper, the camper flies 5 feet in the air, hits a tree and dies*
*the bear glimpses at the camper for a few moments... and starts t-bagging *hump, hump..**
-FSS
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BlacRoseImmortal said:Nice Beth, I thought that first picture was funny as hell... i just sent it to my dad lol.
Just 2 quick jokes:
Two Cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
A jump cable walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything". xD (my dad is the King of corny jokes)
Haha glad you'z liked it! I haz to admit,, I was nearly peeing myself when i saw the cockroaches one!
awwsim jokes! Ive never heard the second one! lol i think dads usually are! My dad still walks round saying "whens a door not a door? when its ajar!" serious,, he's the WORST joker in the world...but you have to laugh when he sings Elvis on the Karaoke..now THAT is a joke worth laughing at!
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Fenix Chief
Member
I loved that Spy Kids Blow Pokemon! "Pikachu, I choose you! Now Bend Over!" XDxxFemaleSpartanxx said:Haha funny stuff!
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BlacRoseImmortal
Well-Known Member
The following quote's are real, try and visualize the scene and you'll see why it's funny...
Airline Announcements
United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
*************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. "
*************************************
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
*******************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that."
*************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
***********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
***********************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there."
******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
****************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
****************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a c up of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Airline Announcements
United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
*************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. "
*************************************
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
*******************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that."
*************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
***********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
***********************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there."
******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
****************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
****************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a c up of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
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Bloodl3tt3r
Well-Known Member
Nice one, Kelly.. I have one to add.
On one United flight, a woman was having trouble keeping her twin two year-olds quiet during the safety check. When the flight attendant explained the oxygen mask procedure, he began with the usual "The masks will drop from the compartment over your head. Place the mask on your face, tighten the straps, and begin breathing. If there are small children near you, put your mask on first and then help them." He then looked at the woman and added, "If you have more than one, pick the one you like better."
On one United flight, a woman was having trouble keeping her twin two year-olds quiet during the safety check. When the flight attendant explained the oxygen mask procedure, he began with the usual "The masks will drop from the compartment over your head. Place the mask on your face, tighten the straps, and begin breathing. If there are small children near you, put your mask on first and then help them." He then looked at the woman and added, "If you have more than one, pick the one you like better."
Twitchfmx8811
Well-Known Member
Oh man Kelly that last one has got to be the funniest thing ive heard in a long time.
Annoy Some One
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Insist that your e-mail address is zena_goddess_of_fire@aol.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Dont use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood
Elevator Fun
Part One: Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, damnit, all of you just shut UP!"
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Part Two: Fun Things to Say in an Elevator
Is this the one they fixed after the last accident?
Beam me up Scotty.
I'm sure that the problem I'm having at the free clinic isn't contagious.
Anyone smell smoke?
Going up is sure tough on hemorrhoids.
Wonder what this button is for?
Don't you just love muzak?
The French are right. One bath a week is more than enough.
Hum or whistle over and over the first refrain of "It's a small world after all."
Who called this meeting?
I try not to push other people's buttons.
8th floor: Ladies hand bags.
That chili was hot but good.
I'm claustrophobic. May I hold your hand?
What do you think the weight limit is here?
Excuse me but what kind of jeans are you wearing?
To a nervous pregnant lady: Uh...when are you due?
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Insist that your e-mail address is zena_goddess_of_fire@aol.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Dont use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood
Elevator Fun
Part One: Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, damnit, all of you just shut UP!"
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Part Two: Fun Things to Say in an Elevator
Is this the one they fixed after the last accident?
Beam me up Scotty.
I'm sure that the problem I'm having at the free clinic isn't contagious.
Anyone smell smoke?
Going up is sure tough on hemorrhoids.
Wonder what this button is for?
Don't you just love muzak?
The French are right. One bath a week is more than enough.
Hum or whistle over and over the first refrain of "It's a small world after all."
Who called this meeting?
I try not to push other people's buttons.
8th floor: Ladies hand bags.
That chili was hot but good.
I'm claustrophobic. May I hold your hand?
What do you think the weight limit is here?
Excuse me but what kind of jeans are you wearing?
To a nervous pregnant lady: Uh...when are you due?
Caseyupchurch
New Member
confucious once said that: a man who stands on a toilet is high on pot....
yyeeeeaaaa
yyeeeeaaaa
idk kinda a kiddish joke but you might like it
there was 3 kids who all wanted to be bird due to their fascination of them.
a genie pops out of nowhere and does the usual "3 wishes"
so their by a cliff and one kid jumps off and yells "EAGLE"
turns into one and flys away
2nd kid jumps and yells "CROW"
turns into it also and flys away
3rd kid runs tripped on a rock and yelled "CRAP"
he turned into a peice of crap and fell down the cliff...
lol that was stupid funny
there was 3 kids who all wanted to be bird due to their fascination of them.
a genie pops out of nowhere and does the usual "3 wishes"
so their by a cliff and one kid jumps off and yells "EAGLE"
turns into one and flys away
2nd kid jumps and yells "CROW"
turns into it also and flys away
3rd kid runs tripped on a rock and yelled "CRAP"
he turned into a peice of crap and fell down the cliff...
lol that was stupid funny
Darkslitter
Member
I don't know I've just seen it on the internet. I love it though. I also love my sigspiz430 said:
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BlacRoseImmortal
Well-Known Member
HAHAHAHA Darkslitter, that picture made me laugh to tears......I also just emailed it to my dad...in about an hour he's gonna call me laughing his ass off XD
swampbilly
Active Member
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Fenix Chief
Member
As Master Chief would say in Arby and The Chief.... LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Lol Man, Lol!HELL JUMPER said:
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BlacRoseImmortal
Well-Known Member
Two peanuts were walking down an ally and one was a salted....
Badabumpbump, Thank you. That's my time. Don't forget to tip your waitress.
Badabumpbump, Thank you. That's my time. Don't forget to tip your waitress.
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