Everybody Needs To Laugh Sometimes

[cigeLappite]

Huh...
It's seems a spam. But! Did you ever been here?!
secretpage.405th.com
Try this Some pictures of our forum admin...
Why did I tell you that sercet info? Dont know.

 

[ninjaspartan]

Huh...
It's seems a spam. But! Did you ever been here?!
secretpage.405th.com
Try this Some pictures of our forum admin...
Why did I tell you that sercet info? Dont know.

err how does it work?

 

[HaloFreakX]

Ahhh MadTV is so Classic. To bad they've gone outta buisness

 

[BlacRoseImmortal]

I only liked MadTV from 1998-2000, the rest of it is lame lol

 

[darkm2021]

I can't beleive I actually fell for that! I get called a dumb blonde 14/7 tbh!

Here you go BRI:

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

you fell for that?



rofl, that was funny though it is cheesy

 

[TexasAggie2011]

not really a joke, but it made me laugh.

 

[Widman2013]

Allright then, I got another one.

One day a genie appeared in Austin, Texas. He would grant 1 wish to all the ugly people that came to him.
So thousands and thousands of ugly people went to him and wished to be beautiful. Then there was only one left, he was sitting against a tree and thinking. When the genie said "and I suppose you wish to be beautiful also?"
The man chuckles to himself, looks up and says "nah, I wish they were all ugly again."

 

[BFDesigns]

One from Layer Cake:

An Irishman walks into his house & catches his wife snorting cocaine so after he knocks it off the table he says to her:

"If I ever catch you doing that again, I'LL RUB YOUR F*CKIN' NOSE IN IT!!!"

 

[HaloFreakX]

I only liked MadTV from 1998-2000, the rest of it is lame lol

Yeah they really started to lose it and started from "stunts"(Kenny Rogers) to just Peyour Crap.

 

[flying squirl]

an englishman, an irish man, and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman sez "what is this?! some kinda joke?!"

a woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre... so he gives her one.

what do ya call a girl between two houses? Alane

remember, when it comes to bad jokes you can try to push the envelope... but its still stationary.

 

[mkshane81]

Two guys walk into a bar and the third one ducks.

Why was the blonde's bellybutton bruised?
Her boyfriend was blonde too.

 

[Bloodl3tt3r]

Why was the blonde's bellybutton bruised?
Her boyfriend was blonde too.

I lol'ed.

 

[JangoFett140]

Some people have more trouble than other people with electronics and
computers. These may brighten your day.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I believe that means the telephone plug on the wall."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK"
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No"
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No"
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized
that I need it.
So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back
again?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true
story from the WordPerfect Help line, which was transcribed from a
recording monitoring the customer care department Needless to say the
Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words
went away"
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared"
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything
I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when its on ? ?

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over??"

Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked
now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your
computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

 

[iizahsum]

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words
went away"
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared"
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything
I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when its on ? ?

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over??"

Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked
now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your
computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

epic, reminds me of a chick at my school.

 

[Klowd 13]

A couple callers my brother had when working for Sykes (computer help hotline). These are honest to god truth.

brother: Hi, can i help you?
caller: Yea, can you help me install a program on my computer.
brother: Yes, do you have the CD in the drive?
caller: Well, i have the CD but i dont know where to put it.
brother: Do you have a CD Drive?
caller: Uhh, i dont know...
brother: Do you have a deawer on the front of the computer?
caller: Yea...
brother: Thats the CD Drive.
caller: Really? I thought that was the Cup Holder!


brother: Hi, can i help you?
caller: Yes, the mouse i have quit working on me.
brother: Is it plugged in the back of the computer.
caller: Yes, i even tried stomping on it to get it to work.
brother: Wha... What?
caller: Oh, i have a floor mouse.
brother: ...Oh.


Cheers,
-John-

 

[iizahsum]

Alright heres the conversation i had trying to tell a girl what a fire wall was.


Girl: Hey you, you are good with computers right? ( she didn't know my name)
Me: yes...
Girl: Well I got a little message thingy saying my firewall wasnt turned on.
Me: Ok.. so what is the problem, didn't you turn it on?
Girl: I thought it would catch my computer on fire so i shut it down.
Me: *facepalm* Fire walls just protect your computer from things incoming from the internet or require an internet connection. Like say a game that requires an internet connection to play may deny your connection until you turn it off or let it accept that incoming connection.
Girl: What...
Me: Buy a fire extinguisher.
Girl: are you kidding?
Me:Nope. but you should turn your firewall on.
Girl: ok


She gave me a headache.

 

[HaloFreakX]

I think some have seen this before but, here anyways. AOL Cancellation

 

[Keegan]

 

[CommanderFluffy]

heres a good few ones i had found... some need some reader discretion... all jokes are spearated by a bunch of dashes they look like this

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There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
Very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of
Things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to
Commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the edge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I

Doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to
Do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him
How glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and
Felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself.

He thanked him
Again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, " Why are you so happy anyway? "

He replied;, " I'm NOT happy; my arse itches.

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Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the mailman wants to buy mom.

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you are stupid, Little Davie?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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Three nuns were taking a walk one day.
''I was cleaning the Father's room yesterday and found some pornography magazines," said the first nun.
"What did you do with them?" asked the second.
"I threw them away."
"I was cleaning the Father's room yesterday and found some condoms," said the second nun.
"What did you do with them?" asked the first.
"I punched holes in them." The third nun fainted.

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this one is offensive to some... reader descresion is advised

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. While her dad gets his hair cut, she stands right next to the barber chair, eating a Hostess snack cake. The barber says to her, "You know, sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

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A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

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There was a little boy who got up one morning and was pissed cause his mom didn't have his breakfast ready. So he went outside and kicked the chickens because he didnt have any eggs. Then he went to the pig pen and kicked the pigs because he didnt have any bacon. Then he went to the barn and kicked the cows because he didnt have any milk. Then he came back into the house and his mom said ''I saw you kick the chickens, pigs, and the cows and just for that you dont get any breakfast.''

So later on, his mom kicked the cat becuase it was clawing the furniture. So when his dad came home the little boy said, ''Hey Mommy? Do you want me to tell him or are you gonna tell him?''

"Tell him what?" asked his Mom. "That he don't get no p*ssy 'cause you kicked the cat."

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A married couple was
in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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Men translations

It's a guy thing.
-- There is no rationale or logic, and I don't feel like trying to come up with any.

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
-- I'm conditioned to agree, but it doesn't mean I'm listening.

"That's interesting, dear."
-- I acknowledge that you're STILL talking.

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
-- I forgot our anniversary again.

"You know how bad my memory is."
-- I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
-- It's a guy thing. (see above)

"What did I do this time?"
-- I hope you haven't been checking my e-mail.

"I heard you."
-- I heard words coming out of your mouth, and now you can stop talking.

"I don't need to read the instructions."
-- It's my right to do this my way and screw it up on my own

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and lastly the final joke....

Some strangers sit at the bar. One guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy asks, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another guy says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK."

A lady asks, "What's that?"

He says, "Double Income, No Kids."

The lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry asks, "A WIFE?"

Gertrude says, "Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

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hope you had some good giggles at those ones

regards
fluffy

 

[darkm2021]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJ9x1p0faQ0